hysteria Archive

I have a Swiffer. I couldn’t be more thrilled. I’ve just pushed it around my two bedroom apartment.
I cleaned my toilets. Swiffer
I’ve ordered Uber Eats and contemplated going to one of the apartment social lounges to eat.
But I don’t think I will. I like my own company, and this is in no small part due to my awakening awareness of the precious nature of the core of myself that travels with me.
That being the purest form of myself. My Soul. The silent watcher. Through pain and hardship. Through approbation and self-condemnation, I have become aware I am not my thoughts, my memories and habits. It has been a growing awareness and now I am well acquainted with Her, I like nothing more than to sit. To gaze at the wall or the view in much the same way I did as a child. Neither of us need move for a time.
To contemplate and be soothed by the connection with Her.
Pain arises from thoughts and isolating yourself somewhat from your thought body and the reactivity to life’s events, through contemplation, meditation and yoga will bring respite for a time.

Just recently I made a move out of our marriage and our kids home. My marriage failed after twenty decades plus a few years. The marriage union was put under a huge amount of stress by our son’s battle with fentanyl addiction.

I could have stayed; I could have put in more work, but it became obvious that I was struggling uphill. If I stuck the marriage out, my soul would not have had safety or satiety. I would not have the full experience of this lifetime. And after some rounds with my own experience with alcohol dependence; I had gotten myself to safe harbors but was unable to affect my son’s wellbeing. I was destroying myself trying to save him.

I was both a drawcard for my son’s dependence and as a totally Codependent spiritual inchoate, I was a magnet for the drug chaos. To stay and remain co-dependent on others or to leave and disrupt the unhealthy dynamic that had developed in the household?

I made moves to leave.
I forged a path to Freedom of Spirit. And so I sit here in my City Apartment. Seeking no-one else’s company but my own, while I heal.
We’re cocooned and inured to the pain of change, until it becomes a choice between losing ourselves or striking out. Out of a marriage. A job. An untenable situation.

And your only reward may be a Swiffer and time to sit and stare at the wall while you regain a sense of Self.
While doing so, you may realize that you are the same old Bag of Dicks that made a hash of your recent past, (instead of a Shiny new version of You.)
But it’s hella exhilarating pushing through to where you know in your very being: Wherever you go: There You Are.
Snow Angel

And it’s going to be okay.

Thank you to my one hundred loyal readers 🙂 , some who have reached out to me after my recent posts. Your caring sentiments remind me that. We’re not actually alone. We’re all connected and shoulder each other’s burdens from time to time.

Love, love.


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