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I was a customer of the mental health industry for a time in the last decade. It has been useful to tease out emotional and/or intellectual conditions. I explored mood disorders, OCD related thinking and addiction. I have taken something useful from each fresh foray. Some of it was uncomfortable, especially when I became dependent on alcohol and other substances. I was hauled around by my biology. and not able to snap out of the cycle.
(I probably have a neurochemical predisposition to enjoying alcohol to relieve anxiety.)
During this period: I had unexpected and scary medical consequences.

I let people down but did little measurable harm and for this, I quite frankly was subjected to barbaric old-fashioned treatment. Even in this day and age.

Long story short: (This is not meant to be a downer.)
I came out the other side and became slowly aware that despite my best efforts. I was still being pathologized.
I was, in short, a danger to myself and the well-being of others in the eyes of others. This was obvious in encounters with a few but not all friends, family and my doctors.
Despite the evidence to the contrary: Dealing with high stress situations such as relocating my son to get him out of the grip of opioids. Performing well in STEM classes at college. People who I trusted would question my mood. I could sense hidden agendas. Maybe they were motivated by effort to help me but to do that they still needed a patient.

I reduced my medication and things only got better.
My psychiatrist was still keen to medicate me to her max ideal. I made the appropriate noise and went down on the gazillion medications I was on. Responsibly.

Aside from craving pot for the first time in years I could sense no side effects and my thinking got clearer. I could see that I was slogging away at college for no good reason than to prove myself.
(I do love the subjects I was doing but it’s a heavy workload with everything else.) And that’s my other gripe. I’m capable of learning to the fullest extent of the subject material. But I have a disability, Information Processing.
I can’t perform in exams as I don’t have decent recall. I have to story information in different parts of my brain than I used to. And College is the ablest environment ever, I would say from my time there.
It sets the non-disabled up for suicide and chronic, lifelong mental health disorders.

seeing the Light

(NB: Here is where the adventure starts. )

I was contemplating this one day, when my situation collapsed into my truth. I was clearing the mailbox one morning and it hit me. Literally. I stood there. Soaked up the early morning sunshine. And then made a decision to go with my truth from now on. With a little help from my real friends.

Driving later the humor hit me. If I didn’t care so much about what others thought of me, I would be impenetrable and have fun with this premise. 🙂

Slightly later I was musing, about the medication I was about to go off and any side effects. Lithium is one to be especially careful of: Lithium. It’s the herpes of antipsychotic medication : ) Noone wants to admit they’re on it. Even though it’s merely an element! It can be both benign and powerful though.
A thought popped unbidden into my mind: “Watch out for paranoia”.

“Fear”, that most egregious of vices on the human mind is never far away. Then I chuckled: as I remembered the old saying: “What if someone really were following me”.

Then I felt like a smoke, so I went up a side street one of my Preschool Mom friends lived. There were no cars. It looked like everyone was at work, so I just parked and smoked my Marlboro.

It was hot so when I got back in the car, I took off my top. I can track my thinking here, but I won’t recount. There are too many thoughts involved but the long and the short of it:
I took my top completely off and sat in the car topless. Then I decided to get out of my car, and I wandered into my friends back yard like, you know: A “free”, person. From memory, my friend had a beautiful garden.

I thought to myself: “she’s either going to be at home or I’ll get in trouble. :)”

There were two dogs in the garden, but they seemed to remember me. So, I sat. Comfortable. I’m in good shape and not particularly modest.

Oh, but that’s when it got interesting. I realised I’d got the wrong garden. (Possibly the wrong street.) And at the same time, four cops walked into my vision. I smirked and went with it. Let’s see how they dealt with a half-naked women sitting in a stranger’s garden in an affluential city. Best case scenario, they’d inform me good naturedly that I was out of place and give me some privacy while I retreated. I’m not very threatening except for my razor-sharp wits 🙂

But no:

They ran me. Instead of just asking me to leave and telling me I made a dick of myself.
They went through as many records as they could access to get a picture of my history. And then everybody was invited to the party. My doctor. The last hospital I was in. My husband. Ugh.
This could either be a mess or a Pop-Up party.
I went with the party option,

By now, I was smirking from behind the pillow the nicest cop had thrown at me. They told me the ambulance was on its way. “Choice”, I thought.

This is like a who’s who of attendees of Hen’s Night characters. by this stage. 🙂

They couldn’t have held me without my permission (but oh yes, they could have as events can get out of control if you don’t comply) so I played helpless and acquiesced to going to the local hospital for a mental health check-up.

The ambo was nice; easy on the eye and solicitous and so I prepared for a few hours off in the ministrations of the healthcare system.

Everybody had decided without even talking to me, I’d lost the plot because of stopping medication. Do you SEE this?

Everybody who knows me, knows I am completely stable. I have a goofy sense of humor. No-one apart from a couple of professionals and family knows I took meds. But instead of asking to speak to me, they decided I had become a nuisance to the day to day. Needed to be looked after. 😉

I love being looked after, as it is only getting away from those in my care that I get that experience.
So, I muttered something about stopping Lithium and prepared to watch those who I interacted with over the next few hours. And off to John Muir I was sent.
I trotted out the necessary platitudes:
” Yes, I was topless in a strangers’ garden.’
Lithium. Stopped that. (Six months ago. No-one noticed. )
” yada, yada. I’ll talk to my doctor.”

Nobody at the hospital wanted to keep me. They were triaging continuously. Even so, I sat there from approx 1pm until 7.30pm that night.


It’s that easy to get put into care. And the system does not move you on. Your doctor and loved ones won’t necessarily advocate for you. This is the systemic gaslighting of mental health patients at work.

The professionals treating me could tell I wasn’t a ‘risk’. To test my theory that I was impenetrable, I did one more half naked streak down the hallway. 🙂

Guess what!
I got stopped and ushered back before I reached the roof, but they didn’t even remember I was the same patient unless they looked at my chart. I told them I had thought I was going into the bathroom to get changed.

Eventually I got out. I had succeeded in my undercover, psyche patient mission. I got to hang my headlights out twice in one day and essentially freed my mind.

That one day! I quit school. I Fired my psychiatrist and therapist and I’m doing it my way from now on. This involves lots of swimming and sunbathing!

I get to go Topless in CA!

I will winter like this!

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I have copied and pasted the below passage from Shakespeare’s Politics by Robert Cooper

My commentary at the bottom, which may or may not illuminate. I am online instead of finishing two Chem lab reports.
For those of my thirty loyal readers not in the U.S. 🙂 It is the day before the Mid-Term elections and the air is abuzz.
It’s hard to be focused. Why does it uncork that nervous energy? It’s a heady combination:
Distraction via Social Media and Politics. So instead of being dragged around by my emotions, I look to answers from two reliable sources. Hard Exercise and Shakespeare.

But first, here is an emotions color wheel to help you through the next 72 hours: It’s not easy being green. Or any other color on the spectrum.

Emotion Color Wheel.

“The nearest Shakespeare comes to a lecture on politics is Ulysses’ speech in Troilus and Cressida to the Greek council of war, which is debating how to stop Achilles’ sulking. Ulysses’ theme is that “degree”—authority and hierarchy—is essential for society. Here is Shakespeare’s Politics. A takeout:

“O when degree is shaked,
Which is the ladder of all high designs,
The enterprise is sick. How could communities,
Degrees in schools, and brotherhoods in cities,
Peaceful commerce from dividable shores,
The primogeniture and due of birth,
Prerogative of age, crowns, sceptres laurels,
But by degree stand in authentic place?

Shakespeare’s Politics: Robert Cooper
The American Interest
Appeared in: Volume 13, Number 1 | Published on: June 20, 2017

This view was common in Elizabethan world: an order based on natural harmony, sometimes compared to the cosmic order, was necessary for all social organization. Reciprocal obligation binds people together as cosmic forces bind the planets. It is this social hierarchy that keeps the peace:

Take but degree away, untune that string,
And hark what discord follows each thing meets
In mere oppugnancy; . . .

Social order in turn provides political order. In Asia this creed is called Confucianism: Order through a system of mutual obligations, reinforced by ceremony. Without the social order conflict would be universal: “Each thing meets in mere oppugnancy.” This, taken to extremes, ends in the war of all against all”

how does this help us in 2022: In short:

We need the Civil Service to supply the needs of a populace. We need that Civil service to be educated. But education is only as good the people driving the scientific advances with Commerce and recruitment.

Here in America we need oppositional training wheels to understand that the system is finely tuned. There is no ‘Right Way’. We would be better served to engage in debate instead of destructive ad-hominems:
Fallacious attacks on our opponents that degrade the quality of engagement.

And for that folks. Think before you vote. And: Vote early. And Vote Often.

Watch out for douches with pitchforks. Its crazy out there.

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When you come back from War. You don’t get airlifted out. You go back mile by mile through terrain you occupied.
This opinion was formed by actual conversation with American soldiers and Firefighters I met who fought the big blazes in Cali since the first memorable Tubbs Fire ‘Coffey Park’ blaze in Santa Rosa in 2017.

At least mentally you replay your battles and the terrain you regained. One soldier and fellow, told me how he went from cleaning up after 911 to fighting Afghanistan.

I’m trying to pitch this to the times we are in and my personal experience. There are a lot of people on this planet who have fought in wars over the last twenty five years. Or who have fought personal mental physical health battles. Some wounds or disabilities are visible. Some aren’t and are afraid we will never get better from what plagues us.

I said, in a previous post: Come with me on a journey. It’s a journey that’s a little difficult to describe, as the part of my brain that was damaged willfully refuses that anything has happened out of the normal.
I remain my 31 year old self in my estimate. Thankfully no longer pregnant 😉 Just a little more chatty.

I have insight from having gone from completely paralyzed from a stroke, to doing second year STEM courses at College. ( I also run a small business but my Imposter Syndrome won’t allow me to credit this.) I use the part of my brain in which the functions are deleteriously compromised to progress further in life, After having gone to War. Having gone to HELL.
It looked a little odd from the outside. I caused some loved ones some pain in my recovery. But the head count is sound, and we are more compassionate for life experience.

Here is what I have to say today.


There is nothing that can’t be achieved with the Personal attributes of confidence and focused attention. In the context of Community and Medication Assistance where indicated.
I have formulated this based on lived experience. Our abilities are not so limited at this point in evolution. We can no longer swing through trees but we could do this if we wanted to, in theory with prosthetics.
I was at my local gym recently . A guy got down off the treadmill next to me and when he raised his pant leg, it was only then I could see he had a prosthetic lower leg. He could run faster than me.

Despite the Global Gloom, we are in an age of wonders. It just requires your willful application to bring about an outcome.

And this is where the human condition steps in and stops us reaching our potential. It’s easy to pass the buck. Opt out. Max out our Buffer Time on the Lower Decks.
If you make that decision to stay in the game. Push at the feeling in the mind whenever you have a creative idea. I have that all the time. That feeling is the feeling of the mind “Proofing a Concept”. If you got this far in your mind, the Intelligent part of your Consciousness already knows it can be done.
That feeling is your mind ‘proofing’ the idea in a mathematical sense. Step by step. From the kernel to the fully formed outcome. I got that feeling when they told me I couldn’t walk again. I thought, “FU and Watch Me”.

I get that feeling now when I approach a new calculus concept. If you enjoy it and you’re on your meds. It’s probably realistic, so go for it. Conscious effort is then required. Don’t fall off at this stage.
Nothing can Stop You Now.
I can’t ‘wish myself to sing or play piano. Because the requisite abilities and/or interests are not there. But I did now I could walk again. I know which obstacles I can surmount before I have taken one step.
Hopefully one day I can apply this experience and help others.
A single neuron. It doesn’t know it’s a neuron but it does bend to the will of the Higher consciousness:

And. If you don’t change. The system doesn’t change. And nothing changes:

After an investigation lasting over a year, the California Department of Forestry and Fire Protection (Cal Fire) determined that the Tubbs Fire was “caused by a private electrical system adjacent to a residential structure” and that there had been no violations of the state’s Public Resources Code

That was the biggest fire in California’s history that year. Nothing changed and next year, the record was broken by the Camp Fire.

All those battles prepare you for something greater. The ability to bring about meaningful change.
And there is nothing in life more worthwhile than that.

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I outlined in my last post why we may teeter over the brink into a full-scale World War.

Feat. Nuclear Armageddon

It is still not clear if we will see the use of Nuclear Weapons in this campaign of cobbled together motives by Putin to use Ukraine as what looks set to become the World’s latest ethnic cleansing ground.

Is Russia Committing Genocide in Ukraine?

Vlad the Violent says he will use nukes to bring Greater Donbas into the fold and then he says he will again and then he won’t. Biden chided him in a speech last week for this crazymaking showmanship. One can only presume as long as the shock and awe effect paraded to impress his Countrymen is great enough, he won’t.

To the detractors of President of Inflation, Joe Biden. It is much to his credit that the War has come back from a cataclysmic brink, several times. The last time we came close to a direct East/West confrontation was the weekend of October 21st.

You can skip past this if you like. For strategy and wargamers only:
Ukraine accused Russia of laying charges to flood the Dnieper River.
“The Institute for the Study of War, an independent US-based think tank, has suggested Russia is “likely continuing to prepare for a false flag attack” on the Kakhovka hydroelectric plant, by creating “information conditions” for Russian forces to blow up the dam after they pull out of western Kherson and then accuse Ukraine of flooding the river and surrounding settlements.”

This post wasn’t meant to get long but it will if I don’t make this the last play by play: In Summary: Ukraine was closing in on Russian occupied territory around major infrastructure which was a little anxiety provoking if you were watching the terrain and the satellite images in publications. Russia evacuating civilians was counterintuitive and unacceptable.
The dam was under Russian occupation, but Ukrainian forces were closing in. Quite the hothouse for an International Incident.

“President Zelensky said that if the Russians were seriously considering blowing up the Kakhovka dam, it meant they realized they would not merely lose control of Kherson but the entire south including Crimea.”

Putin was intending to blow up the dam as a false flag operation and blame Ukraine. Already accusing Ukraine of firing missiles at the Kakhovka dam. Zelensky alerted world leaders on the Thursday. The financial markets went to **** on the Friday. (Mind you it was also the end of Quarter reporting.)

The World held it’s breath.

Only Russia got caught, and Ukraine troops forced them back in a process known as kettling. (Forcing troops through an inhospitable bottleneck over the Kherson River and then surrounding the Russian Soldiers.)

And here we are again. Another Friday. Another weekend and a similar scenario. Russia has mobilized forces on the right bank and is evacuating civilians.

End of Play.

The point of that. It is fascinating on one level. To the instigator of this affair. It is pawns on a chessboard of their making. Why and what could be more important than loss of large scale human life.

There is nothing. This is insanity coupled with a level of psychopathy. The World doesn’t know how to cope with a situation where a Clever Madman holds the rest of the World to ransom.
I research Crimea and the History of Ukraine:
600 pages of one book, The Global Age, by Ian Kershaw and 500 pages of a WW II doorstopper could give no real insight.
Was this eruption of prolonged engagement wholly cultural in origin? Going back to the Tatars and
Catherine The Great?

Was Putin enraged by the thought of western Culture influencing Russian Culture? That’s why I called this post: “What choo Talkin about Willis?
The thought of a Gary Coleman’s (Diff’rent Strokes) lais-saiz faire quip or Bill Cosby putting furrows down into the culture via Russian Netflix is enough to drive anyone into a state of disrepair.

But it is not that Russia is using Ukraine as a proxy War with America.
This is commonly postulated. (More on that).
It’s as ridiculous as suggesting the same might happen between China and America. China and America may go to War over disputed territory but won’t seek engagement otherwise

My Russian friends might have joked (in the past) how someone Russia has to stand up to American Imperialism. But more with a measure of pride in how strong he Eastern (Russian) Slavic culture is.

What then causes the pustule of aggression from Russia to erupt periodically and how might the flow of poisonous pus of genocidal rampaging be stemmed? (That was bad. I know!
Check back for a removal of mixed metaphors.

It may be that the European Culture has been inadvertently weakened by the formation of the European Union. At a time when Putin feels more threatened.

And Europe and the state of Russia are no longer part of the same Common Federation, as it were. Europe now means just the European Union. Europe used to include Turkey, Britain and to a large extent: Russia was spart of the commonality of vision. This changed.

If this is a playground? And Russia is a bully. All of a sudden: The other kids have greater economic and military ties? While pretending they don’t. They now have a fancy currency and hold War games to run scenarios if you should try dome them unawares? Which you’re planning to by the way. Moldova is skipping around tempting you with her nice little pigtails.
They call the club some fancy assed name (NATO) and invite other kids into the Club.

What does the bully do?

They go fucking ballistic until they’re neutralized. Of course.

And there is another variable in play that the World needs to contend with to have sustained peace in the Playground.

Connectedness. Social Media.


A quick and dirty outtake:

Following Covid, the culture of paranoia that was at one time a groundswell became a surging torrent. All sorts of conspiracy theories multiplied and spread virulently. On any one day you can go down a rabbit hole. As an eavesdropper and enjoying groups; I have watched this churn. I’ve spun the odd bit of silk, myself. Evidently I’m not a convincing conspirator though. No-one bites. But I’ve joined in and rolled around. And noticed that the same people are drawn to popular theories and are hard to dissuade even when presented with evidence.

One of the most ‘attractive’ conspiracy theories is that a privileged few meeting routinely in Davos, Switzerland are attempting to control the world’s political scene and economy, via the World Economic Forum. The WEF. On one hand. If they’re experts in their field and have a lot of power and influence. Of course they are.
On the other hand. if these leaders in their fields are old enough that they have to cover up sunspots and have missed the fallout of the Epstein List, they’re probably annoying do-gooders who enjoy each others company and have theories on how to stall climate inconvenience.
And being as the Up Close won’t be as glamourous. (It is) I have heard unofficially from a member of the Bohemian Club. It’s still not compelling on the proles until put through Democratic Processes. These insiders typically love an inflated Public Service so it would be a Century before any Machiavellian plot got through the bureaucratic agencies.
We should leave them to it. But some people like Hannity and the Fox crew can’t. It winds people up.

Among ourselves, we’ve seen them rant on Facebook. Guys and Gals. And it’s mostly harmless. I relate. We all get our buttons pushed seeing the state of World Affairs and need to Blame an eyeless Body of Untruths.
There are many injustices at the hands of Governments to fuel this. I tell my kids to prepare them for this.
“Systems don’t care. People care. Systems don’t care.”

But just imagine, if you’re a world leader with all-sorts of weapons at your disposal. How crazy would the cesspit of Disinformation drive you? A feeling of being disempowered.?
And the madness lies in the turn of Events in which such a World Leader cannot be neutralized.

Sane people will do anything to prevent the deaths of children. And this can’t seem to happen. We live in an insane World with new media and quandaries.

Go Down the Rabbit Hole Protected.. Don’t add to the confusion.

My opinion on World Affairs was shaped by
The Global Age, by Ian Kershaw -Europe 1950-2017.
A Real Live Book.
And my experience on Social Media.
Enlightened Housewife.
Current Affairs for the confused, the compassionate and the criminal minded.
(News for the Confused.)

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But this success, where is it? The French political philosopher Edgar Quinet coined this phrase.
It’s as relevant now as it was when philosophers first reflected on the French Revolution. Quinet has oft been quoted and the sentiment echoed down the ages.
The artist with regards to earthshattering events and the public servant of today in predictive mode both grapple with the autarchic mindset:
To understand that which affixes assertion and action. Connects claims and crimes:

The single line comes from the following full paragraph:

“The persistent illusion of the terrorists is to invoke a success in order to justify themselves before posterity. In effect, only the success can absolve them. But this success, where is it? The terrorists devoured by the scaffolds that they themselves erected, the Republic not only lost but rendered execrable, the political counter-Revolution victorious, despotism in place of the liberty for which a whole nation swore to die: is that success? How long will you go on repeating this strange nonsense, that all the scaffolds were necessary to save the Revolution, which was not saved.”

And thus we can sympathize with the terrible dilemma Putin now finds himself in. You can’t make an omelette without cracking a number of eggs but how does one know, then, when to stop cracking eggs?

One must then have a keen acute awareness of the concept of satiety directing one’s aspect, demeanor and decisions, as Chief of State, here. Literally: What will it take to satisfy Putin?
But his success, where is it?

1. When will the death toll from the nations and the appalling legacy of atrocities from its invasion of neighboring Ukraine, provoke a state of satiation in Putin?
A state of affairs that is not unusual with regards to Russia’s appetite in invading it’s neighbours?
2. Could the West be taking a different course of action so as not to aggravate Russia?

1. Putin is not averse to cracking eggs. His own or the Ukrainians. In recent weeks it has become evident that his own may be cracked if he does not bring the ‘Special Operation’ to a (successful) close. Other bloodthirsty chefs with an equally insatiable appetite for success are drafting recipes (and wings of loyalists of their own) and are hot on his cloven heels.

BUT! Ukraine is winning and has the backing of the (fully armed) Western World) won’t that mean Russia sooner or later has to retreat and deal with purling a narrative in retrospect to satisfy it’s citizens?

NO. Not necessarily. Putin could still pull the Nuclear wildcard.
If your decisions are driven by the desires beyond logic and you have the means at your disposal?
No argument in the Western World could convince Putin to withdraw.

It’s a table service no-one thought to model. Or perhaps one would have better secured Uranium shipments and placed better weight on diplomacy with rogue nations:


2. This is not about aggravation. The Good Guys vs the Bad. This is about how to have reform with revolution and the accompanying legacy of atrocities. This is not a war of Russia vs Ukraine.
Putin wants something from the West. He tried to get it thorough a War of Economic Attrition.
By invading Ukraine and blocking the Ports he banked on Western resolve failing and suffering a loss of appetite long before he did.
It didn’t work. Putin is still committed.
We are now the aggressor for not leaving the table before the macabre Server.
It is winter. There is only one way to level the playing field in terms of troop numbers.
We should fear what is coming.

Perhaps this time we can perhaps learn from history. Reform the UN so as not to be held hostage by Russia or China. Learn Many would demand a softening to U.S. hegemony.

But this success, where is it?
Quoted in REVEL IN FIN DU siècle DES OMBRES,( P 246) (Jean Francois Revel.

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Constant vigilance is part of caring for someone with Opioid Use Disorder. Death can steal a loved one away without argument, like a force of nature, in the same manner a frost settles and kills off susceptible plantings. Also like frost in winter, relapse and death is a possibility in certain ‘Seasons’ or the emotional ups and downs of life.
Stress is like Winter to an addict. I know of three high functioning adults in the past two years, who were special to me for different reasons, who relapsed and died from substance use disorder. One use. One time.
“L’ange de la mort est venu les geler”:
Snow Angel

The Angel of Death came to Freeze them.
Opioid Use Disorder or OUD is eventually incompatible with life because the drug is both so compelling as a binder to the receptors in the central nervous system, and the ‘signal’ is so strong it overrides the autonomic nervous system. This is how fentanyl and other opioids kill:

“When a person dies from heroin or OxyContin, there’s not a direct line from the drug to a stopped heart. An opioid overdose is sneakier and slower-moving. It begins by lulling the lungs into cozy submission-the hijacked opioid receptors cause a rush of pleasure that turns into respiratory distress. The lungs sleep so hard that, as the airways constrict, the person literally forgets to breathe.
Death lingers first over the fingers and lips; they turn limp and blue. Gurgling noises dangerously sound like snoring but are actually death rattles. Once the oxygen starvation moves inward to vital organs like the heart and brain, a loved one or rescue worker has three to five precious minutes to jolt the receptors awake and reverse the over dose before brain damage occurs and then death.”
-Raising Lazarus by Beth Macy, 2022.

I got cut a break from caring from my oved one with OUD after I dropped my son off at the Residential Treatment center Phoenix Rising in Palm Desert. Leaving him safely nestled into the Coachella Valley in the Sonoran Desert. I drove back up the State of California reflecting on the deadly drug Fentanyl.
How did our son start using a drug that can kill?
In short: He was not armed with enough knowledge of either the beneficial or detrimental effects of drugs. After his initial use and any adverse effects; his encounters with the medical profession entrenched his dependence on illegal drugs and heightened the feelings of shame and desperation.

Our son will have tried the controlled drug Oxycontin (Another opioid) sometime in his Junior or Senior Year at High School. He was always curious. I am well aware of when he started experimenting with pot. I would tease him and tell him not to be a doofhead and toke in his bathroom as it vented to the corridor.
It was not good that my son tried marijuana, as it led to a scary episode of poor mental health. Yet at the same time it may be the only drug that has an extract or controlled derivative that calms his racing thoughts and allows him to sleep. I remark in this fashion as all drugs have effects both positive and negative:

A Brief history of Good Vs Bad Drugs
All the cannabis species with psychoactive properties have the potential to be as useful to mankind as any drug produced artificially by any pharmaceutical company.
Indeed it is due to the Harrison Narcotics Act of 1914 that we discern between ‘good’ pharmaceutical grade drugs and bad drugs in the first place. Any drug the taxman couldn’t tax henceforth became immoral. “The Harrison Act was a United States federal law that regulated and taxed the production, importation, and distribution of opiates and coca products.” 
Before the Act, communities were using opium and coca products with impunity along with alcohol and tobacco and:

After That:
After that, drugs were split into two camps: Those that were Good and Taxed and those that were Amoral and Underground. Eventually along came the War on Drugs. Nixon and Reagan pumped up their support base by casting drug users as America’s Number One Public Offenders. The moral tone was set by the (hilarious in hindsight) 1936 Movie Reefer Madness. Nixon and Reagan portrayed recreational drug users as being akin to abortionists and Communists. I think we can all agree on the Communism element, if you can tolerate this blog.
The War on Drugs also became a de-facto war on Black People and Young People and punitive sentences were set for drug crimes.
Bill Clinton was the worst offender in perpetrating this for political gain, in my view. The War on Drugs is used across the spectrum to buy votes.
THIS HERE is what is killing 100,000 Americans a year. Oh and did I mention in my last post? No-one cares;
Votes have been worth more than lives for the past century. Politics is killing our young. It doesn’t have to be that way. We, parents, aunts and uncles, Grandparents and veterans who have lost young ones just have to be more savvy about who and why we elect people to change the Drug and Medical Care Laws.
I mentioned in my last post some remedies to prevent more deaths. What do I mean? These are politically unpalatable remedies generally recommended by those working in the Harm Minimization field or those other exhausted parents like myself.

I will come back to other tools to defeat drug harm, but we must:
#1 Make legal small amounts of the illegal drug ( a very small percentage ) of the titrated up dose that the user was taking freely available as an alternative to illegal lethal street narcotics. When alcohol dependence is being addressed at home this is called tapering. Humans have been doing this for centuries. AA talks about doing this with “green”, recruits. I did it myself successfully when I ditched alcohol for a decade in my twenties. Individuals must be provided with the dignity to leave behind the drug of their choice and seek out community care and support free of institutionalized stigma and pressure. It is already done by professionals as psychiatrists take patients off high toxicity fentanyl onto Methadone or Suboxone via Oxycodone.
Drug replacement therapy (buprenorphine) or Suboxone must be made available freely to addicts at clinics. Drug and alcohol craving can be so strong. It can ONLY be defeated with drug replacement therapy. Buprenorphine is a partial opioid agonist, meaning that it binds to those same opioid receptors but activates them less strongly than full agonists do. People on Bupe or the long lasting version Sublocade don’t crave and they withstand life’s stressors better than with community support alone. There is still pushback in the Treatment industry against drug replacement therapy. It is seen as a moral failing to be an addict even by those treating us. We’re told to pray to the great cookie dispenser in the sky and try harder next time. Morals Assisted Treatment MUST change for US to STOP dying!

Remembering back to when this all got real as per my previous post: Driving down to Palm Desert my son started to get dope sick. We discussed how to manage this. When I say discussed, I mean there was a back and forth between an exhausted hypervigilant Mom and her dope sick, paranoid son. There was some fear about presenting to Accident And Emergency in San Jose.
So we tried an after hours clinic near Santa Cruz. It was a waste of FUCKING time doing the obligatory Covid test, as when I explained our situation to the intake person, they looked down their FUCKING noses at us and said. “Oh we don’t carry those drugs (buprenorphine and comfort meds that accompany the detox process) here.”
in every American suburb, Kids are dying. Stressed parents are dying. Veterans are dying. This is a fucking war, morons.
Your doctors are morons, for not advocating for a clientele in need. Your politicians are morons and your police and firemen are overworked and frightened. Traumatized and frightened. For us.
I was so tired. I had already been driving for six hours so tried to find a hotel. It was the next day I had had it confirmed that my son would have a bed in residential treatment for the first time.

I say, ‘the first time’. Because although Phoenix Rising Treatment Center in Palm Desert was a wonderful respite for my son and us as parents and our son’s primary caregivers , we have to be ever watchful. And we have had a time so far. as I will detail.
I mentioned the veterans affairs. I got distracted momentarily and took a trip to D.C. to witness the passing of the Pact ACT. And get a few good night’s sleep.

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The Scene
The last week was a pretty successful one, personally. I closed a business deal. I’m disorganized so I am chasing loose ends. It’s fairly minor. Real estate.
I finished a Calculus paper. Started a second course of study. Neuroscience. I’m interested in the brain and behavior. Trauma and rehabilitation. How do people overcome adversity. How do they come back from “Hard Things”. Post war life, addiction. Traumatic chronic illness, Is there a recipe? An algorithmic soup as it were?
Last week my daughter starred in the Lion King as Scar in the Local Production. She has the ability to go into character. Maybe she will explore acting. I want her to have an easy uncomplicated life.

Oh, and our family home was raided by the Cops. Mid morning on a Tuesday. Ten units, K9, guns and a Hobbs Seal (no knock warrant) warrant to search) (assault rifles Inc. AR 15’s)
We have drugs in the community. Opioids; Fentanyl. Meth. Teenagers are dying in many suburbs of America. A number of teens got their persons and their houses searched that week in surrounding counties.
I was at school at the time. I knew our house was about to be searched. How did I know? Unusual activity in the neighborhood. When you go to treatments for drugs and alcohol over and over like I did, you learn stuff. How to be observant. You play spot the Undercover Cop.
My oldest son had been taking opioids off and on. He had been detoxed under medical advice in 2021. His initial encounter with heavy opioids was in a hospital setting for pain relief.
I told my teen to sort his shit out on the Monday. I cleaned my bathroom in case the cops would think I was a pig if they came through and went to class. I was more concerned about missing calculus than freaking out.
I called home at school break and I guessed by the tone of hubby’s voice that they were at our house so I left class and drove by. Asked the Sergeant how long they were going to be. He said, about an hour, so I picked up a coffee from the coffee cart and went back to class. I felt like a right cock for being late back to class.
Isn’t it interesting how the human brain works to protect the mind and consciousness?

The rest of the week unfolded. I scrambled to keep my family safe. My son got put up in Motel 6.
He had to get a lawyer. I went to watch my daughter perform in a play. That was heart wrenching considering the circumstances of our family.
I wished I could have done better in my Calc final. The injury in the parietal and temporary lobe hamstrings me in exams. Not to mention the hours I had spent cajoling my previously opioid addicted son to his senses, over his interaction with the cops.
He had been arrested at McDonald’s in the early AM before the search.

On Saturday following the search. I woke up with my nerves jangling. I decided to get my son out of town TODAY! He had a treatment bed pending, and being aware of details which I can’t or won’t disclose, (he is now early in recovery) I chose to lam it with him. He was free but because of his actions I was unsure how long it would be before we drawn back into the scene .

After my journey to treatment with him and living with my son for a year, I have come to the certainty that: 1. ) There are several agencies on the drug “scene” that are vested in it’s continuation, none of whom have my son’s best interest in mind. 2. ) The cartels are selling drugs widely in the ‘burbs of America. Maybe they have always done this. Only now the drug being fenced is deadlier. Micro-doses of Fentanyl enthrall some. (Small amounts shut down the central nervous system.)

Imagine if as a social drinker every 250 times you drank you were forced to chug a handle (1.75 liters) of alcohol) There is no guarantee you would come out alive. These are the odds: Or as the sheriffs of a border county say: “Will you get on the plane today”? The link is an interview by Jacki Daily of two border county sheriffs. The sheriffs liken this public health crisis to, a 757 every day taking off and dropping out of the sky and killing all on board.
3.) Teenagers like my son are being addicted and recruited. Addicted and recruited. In a profitable enterprise. It’s like a Santa sack pegged up on a tree or a Clothesline. It’s full of goodies and no-one wants it to fall and spill the goodies everywhere. Every now and then a peg is removed and discarded. A teenager dies. Someone like my son loses his mind.

And Mom’s like me have to do an fifteen hour road trip with a methed up opioid addict on the come down because medical help is so hard to access even with health insurance.
Don’t get me wrong. It was fun. It was a little quirky back-tracking though a prison town to distract him, to see if we could score when an afterhours clinic wouldn’t prescribe suboxone. (We of course didn’t go on an illicit drug buying mission, but I have heard of other Mom’s resorting to extreme measure to keep their children alive, stable and seizure free)

What now?
Fentanyl deaths have touched our lives. I’ll ensure my son knows the meaning of accountability for having drugs in his room. But I won’t let anyone fucking touch him, anymore. And I had hoped that I could pull together a narrative that might resonate with other Mom’s and after checking with a lawyer; What might be revealed other than anonymously that would be useful to other Mom’s and Dad’s and politicians to change the War on Drugs to how to Minimize Harm from Drugs.

But I digress. What I learned today from my own Drug and Alcohol Counsellor is that while there is chaos in the suburbs. Death, detritus and mayhem:
This is but the latest chapter in the War on Drugs and there is NOTHING that can be done about it.
Everybody wants drugs to stay illegal. Nobody wants to close the border until the measures are put in place to regulate the flow of guns and drugs and so kids will still die, go homeless, or go to prison.
With the Federal Governments blessing. The cartels are quite open: “It’s okay to kill the American”, a cartel member said to one of the sheriffs.
And why should they care”, said my friend. “We”, (Our Government) hasn’t!
There will be more fentanyl deaths.

And right now I’m jaded. No-one cares so I’ll look out for my own. I’m sober, in recovery and I’m going to get my nails done in Santa Barbara and go home and plan my next trip to a border county.
Why am I going? a taste for travel. Thirst for knowledge. To check in on my son.

A Mom and Son

And if anyone chances on this who has some input into public policy. The only way out is this: Full legalization. Regulation. Total border and customs control until the supply side is regulated.
Forget the bleeding heart about the importees or the deportees.
Lastly. Stop pinning it on the fragile addict. we are sick to fuck of playing doctor, lawyer, politician and gangster.

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Its been over a week since Roe vs Wade ws overturned.
In 1973 the Supreme Court ruled that a woman had a Constitutional right to abortion under a Due Process Clause of the Fourteenth Amendment conferring “right to privacy’. It’s technical but the initial ruling treated women as having a say in entering into pregnancy and balances a woman’s and the state’s interest in termination of pregnancy and the welfare of the Mother and fetus in different trimesters.
Henceforth, there is no Constitutional Protection. All women may NOT CHOOSE. From the moment of her conception to Fertilization she is property of the State.
Her rights are nil if she lives in the state of South Dakota under Governor Kristi Noem:

Kristi Noem, governor of South Dakota, pauses while speaking during the Conservative Political Action Conference (CPAC) in Dallas, Texas, U.S., on Sunday, July 11, 2021. The three-day conference is titled “America UnCanceled.” Photographer: Dylan Hollingsworth/Bloomberg via Getty Images

Noem got grilled on State of the Nation on July 3rd and indicated children would be forced to give birth to children if it happened on her turf in South Dakota. She must have got a fright at the reaction because a few hours later she went turncoat on her Republican party values and gibbered out some words about it being time to enact Paid Family Leave.
This policy is totally against what the Republican party stands for and a demonstrably controversial platform to attack her on. Noem is effectively pushing Democratic Party values, straight after saying she would force a child to have a baby. It follows a controversy where a ten year old Ohioan girl was denied an abortion in her home state at six weeks pregnant.
Imagine being violently raped and then made to feel like a baby murderer by state Officials.
See it here:

This is the worst of politics.
Noem tries to dodge the question to avoid judgement and suggests that what the child was impregnated with has value. Unwanted emission doesn’t have value over human life. Unless you believe in fairies and haven’t ever studied biology.

It’s Wrong.

This is child abuse. It is child abuse and sexual enslavement to force a child to carry a pregnancy to full term.

But Kristi Noem will do anything for power. Kristi Noem is a lizard woman who snuggles up to power. Because she knows power comes with only one thing and that one thing is.


Men made the rules about reproduction despite women carrying babies to term. It’s not about morals here. If you know anything about biology, you know it is spurious to equate the inception of life with a baby. Two copies of chromosomes fuse and voila. A chain of events is set in motion but those chromosomes do not have a soul attached.
Unless we live in a dystopian nightmare.
Which we do, because Republicans guilt us with the notion that there is a floaty rainbow string with a soul attached to the zygote. (The zygote is the product of the gametes fusing. It’s not special. Yet.)
Slithy operators endeavoring to crowbar apart these legal protections, forced the abortion debate until our Constitutional right to manage our reproductive years was snatched away.

And women have done nothing much to upset this order of things.

But Wait. What? Forced pregnancy?

Thanks to the Supreme Court’s decision to overturn Roe vs Wade, you, or your child if she becomes impregnated would be forced to carry that to term.
To become responsible from inception to viability for a life that you morally, and personally have to vested interest in.
Oh no! That’s right!
The State says you have a moral duty to incubate unwanted genetic material even though it might have been inflicted upon your person in an act of violence.
Though your life and health might depend on it. Though it doesn’t resemble a life UNTIL YOUR PARENTS OR THE STATE FORCE YOU TO SAY YES! “I MUST HAVE WANTED THIS ALL ALONG!

Those sickos in some pregnancy help centers have special training to help you unknow your own mind. (They don’t just gift young mothers car seats and baby blankets; Oh no. Not in this country.

Even though Nature herself commits some of the most violent acts of genetic rearrangement during cell division and you might not have a viable creation in your uterus. The choice too, has been taken here because, LIFE!

Is it any wonder females still have no real political power in the Greatest Democracy of the World?

But Who’s to Blame?

We Fingered the Wrong Justice, Guys:
I too blamed Clarence Thomas for this complete abortion.

Perversion of justice. Misrepresentation of women’s interests.
but Alito would appear to be the one with callous disregard for the fair and equal representation of women:
Writing for the court majority, Justice Samuel Alito said in his draft opinion that the 1973 Roe ruling and repeated subsequent high court decisions reaffirming Roe “must be overruled” because they were “egregiously wrong,” the arguments “exceptionally weak” and so “damaging” that they amounted to “an abuse of judicial authority:
Those were his Republican Predecessors actually.

Alito’s opinion also shows he has more dogs in the hunt.
Watch out; Same Sex Marriage.

Writing for the majority, he said decisively that abortion is a matter to be decided by states and the voters in the states. “We hold,” he wrote, that “the Constitution does not confer a right to abortion.”
But it did in 1973.
Are you feeling like you have been mad-fucked by a demented octopus flying a helicopter while Mt Rushmore erupts and the Oompa Loompas chant dirges in Main St?
That’s American Politics.
Happy Fourth July!

I cannot understate how partisan this Bench is. They have a duty to interpret the law impartially but they have a duty not to throw out fifty years of precedent, an undoing that throws a shroud over the lives of all women. Mothers. Grandmothers, daughters.
SCOTUS could have made a recommendation to the Senate and the House. Separately. A legal stop gap measure. Without it, their bias against the welfare of women is clear:

But Biology has no bias and no politics.

My Observations and recommendations:

Lizard People wear green. Joke.

1. Nature has abortions all the time. Gametes and zygotes are coming and going on the Earth all around us. Visit a farm.
Stitch the sanctity of life here on earth into legislation. The reason why I drop biology lessons into these posts is to iterate:
Belief should not control the outcome for the majority, being 50% of the population. ABORTION IS NOT A MORAL ISSUE. IT IS A CONTROL ISSUE. The more people you control, the more political power you have. If you control reproductive rights then you control women.
It is not about the value on life.
These sick fuckers know: It is about control of minds and votes.

2. We must protect women from the horror of carrying an unwanted child when the reality is so much closer to nature’s solution to unviable pregnancies.

3.We must not let them the lizard people (joking) and the Barbie fascists continue the lie that women are killers and that babies are being murdered.

All women who have lost pregnancies have mourned them. Or mourned lost innocence.
We are women first and foremost and we deserve better.

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When tragedy happens it causes us to ask questions. Of the nature of humanity and what carries us. Will we be capable of doing the unimaginable? Finding hope after tragedy?


“Oh no”. “It can’t be true. I saw my phone light up with the notifications about Uvalde on Tuesday. That kind of horror happening in your country puts you in a dream. I was writing. I’d been to the hairdressers that morning and talked over Memorial Weekend Plans with my Hairdresser. What can you do? I carried on with my day, I almost forgot to collect my kids. Because I was dragged back to social media for updates. And to argue. Endless arguing all throughout the day. People both for and against gun control. Then I found myself arguing about abortion. My goodness. During the day I found some real fruit loops like the Republican Rep Gosar who tweeted a Reddit photo he later retracted blaming the shooting on a ‘trans’, immigrant. And a Republican player called Marjorie Dannenfelser who would seek to put all women back into subjugation under their own biological processes. Personally I think she has some kind of OCD which puts her in the mentally ill realm (untreated). I saw some pretty bizarre tweets online where Dannenfelser targets research institutions in a way that is not appropriate. So being a mature person. I called her crazy and I reported her tweets as did others. I then realized I had done nothing all day but argue about gun control and abortion. Thought, “How American is that”, then I picked up some Ray Bradbury to read and went to the stars.
What can you do? During the next day Democrat gubernatorial nominee Beto O ‘Rourke got emotional and got told to leave a conference hosted by Governor Greg Abbott. “Get out of here”… “Sick Son of a Bitch,’ Uvalde Mayor Blasts Beto O’Rourke for Crashing Abbott’s Press Conference on Shooting.

And seeing a bunch of grown ass Texan men sitting there on stage killing themselves with grief and guilt was one of the saddest things I had seen in quite a while.

I was quite mindful of my kids this week though I did forget to pick them up from school Friday. I’m a little forgetful when I’m in the garden. Life is abundant in the garden and out. We value it so in all it’s forms. We are unified in our humanity in how horrific it is to bear the burden of the knowledge of the attack that happened at Uvalde. We think, “How could I go on if it happened to me”. We put ourselves in those poor, poor grieving families shoes.
Because all life is precious and that’s as good as any a reason to go on. When unthinkable things happen to us. Despite knowing these kind of atrocities can happen to others. To remain caretaker and a caregiver,. Should the unthinkable happen. Take care and grasp onto hope wherever you are, on this Memorial Weekend.

Taking comfort in Nature with these beautiful gladioli’s,
white lilies, statice and iris. There is also Alstroemeria,
(Peruvian Lily) as filler.

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Come with me on a journey. I suffered a traumatic brain injury in 2006. The TBI or stroke, was the result of an arteriovenous malformation where the network of blood vessels servicing the right hemisphere of brain ‘organ’ was entangled. The arterial network was incorrectly connected directly to the venous network in my right Temporal Lobe. I know. Details, right? Most people say they had a stroke and leave it at that! I tease out the specific areas of the brain affected to differentiate the person that is me, Monique, the version that is a collection of the experiences before and after the stroke, that I actually have some influence in shaping, from the more fixed version people think they are.
We tend to think of people as: “The person that is their brain”. A squidgy brick of playdoh encased in a skull with a word hole and two little globes with light receiving irises. Sexy huh? Every part that defines their personality or character is thus fixed by virtue of being somewhat unmalleable. You might challenge me on that. I think that’s what we unconsciously believe and are surprised when people show up differently.
Just keep this in mind if you follow me on this journey.

I have never fallen into the trap of thinking that the blunt force trauma of having a stroke has self-limited me to only taking on what was believed to be within my abilities as defined by the medical profession.
I have never let society tell me I should not take on this role, or that because I am the wrong sex, or too old, or too young.

My journey started when they told me I would never walk or run again.
Last Winter I skied at Tahoe. I’m working on running.
I just finished a Semester studying math and General Chemistry. I intend to study either parietal lobe dysfunction, or AI. I haven’t decided yet. I’m a writer, a volunteer and a mother. When I have down time I play around with Python as that is the programming language used by neuroscientists for data analysis. Or I game. Clearing out dungeons or Civilizatio,n if you’re wondering, waiting for the Overwatch release.
I eased back into my education by studying to be a vet tech.
After all these years after the stroke, I finally got a proper diagnosis for ADHD, a mood disorder and I did some treatments for drugs and alcohol. Liver is fine. Thanks for asking.
That’s my generation. We solve a lot with drugs or alcohol or hard work until it catches up.
The proper pharmacological treatment was essential to stabilize my brain so I could study but this was quite different from the holistic view I now have of myself. I was not my brain, I am my spirit but I was being hampered at every turn until I treated my physiological self.

They told my loved ones I would never talk again.

I may never play the piano again. (Never played it before.)
But there is so much else I can do. Being aware of the points of reflection around which I create my reality, I can take on many challenges and build my own actuality.
Which may eventuality differentiate us from machine anchored intelligence.
(As machines get smarter than us, will they assist us or will they go down their own period of self reflection in evolution?)
But that’s another line of thought. I merely meant to say. Hello world. In all the horror of this year. Throw on a little black dress or a suit and come see what marvels do exist in the world. Like a cute beaver.

Beavers return to London after 400 years. It’s impossible to be without hope when we wake in a universe in which beavers exist. 🙂

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