The worst side of anxiety is the watery bowels effect the condition can cause. I became aware about the age of twelve that if I had a crush on someone I could only be around them if there was a nearby bathroom.
In fact that is how I realised I had a crush. I particularly remember the epic time I was caught short down the back of a farm.
All of sudden the farmer’s grandson who I’d innocently played with last summer had this AMAZING taste in music. He introduced me to Fleetwood Mac. He drove a car. When he broke out a Mad Magazine one particular day IÂ felt the first stirrings of ….. A sudden urgent need.
I fled to the general proximity of what we called the toilet paper tree. Big green leaves that could be used as… you guessed it.
And as my insides clenched I reflected.
Mostly on how awesome it was our farming friends ran a dairy farm. With big friendly poopy cows. No one would ever have to know.
The second time this happened I wasn’t so lucky. I took refuge in a wax tree. The wax tree is a member of the poison ivy family. It  caused a painful rash on my buttocks.
And ended my first crush. It was was far too painful and embarrassing to be in love.
A New Zealand jersey cow. Friendly, docile and poopy.
